Another day without you is an empty time where you think there is nothing worth saving for the memory. An inexplicable emptiness. You feel soulless, lifeless, without goals or future, even when surrounded by people. And yes, I know that life goes on, but how difficult it is without you.

Without you, a faithful friend loses what is stored on a hard drive, a memory of «the best of my life» which he confessed only to you as a secret never to be told and your nobility and loyalty knew how to keep it safe. Without you, a sister feels loneliness, becoming an «only child»… everyone looks at her with expectations placed on her prosperity… Without you, a grandfather sleeps every night with tears in his eyes and a «good night», full of impotence. The only thing he knows is that every new day he will suffer your absence, in silence so as not to disturb…

And life goes on. It goes on for everyone around. The end of the school year, parties and
venues that celebrate life, hope and anticipation to well-deserved holidays.

How the simplest details become underrated moments. When I see a mother hugging her daughter after school I think to myself – «enjoy her to the fullest, hug her tight»; at night I see a group of boys playing basketball while taking Max for a walk – «what a great group of friends you are, always together»; when a little girl cries and hugs her father – «hold her tight and make her feel safe in your arms because there is nothing, no matter how difficult it is, that can’t be solved by listening and giving lots of love»; that boy with his girl full of love in her eyes and restless hands – «I never saw you like that, so reserved and with so much life outside the house that I am only now getting to know»; I can only imagine what your next8 steps would have been like, your projects, trips, work… and an endless number of things that life, hard and cruel, has taken away from me. That’s my day, watching people go on with their lives when I’m still seeking the plug that someone disconnected just a couple of months ago.

I have always liked people-watching, seeing how they behave. Now, I am an unconditional observer of the little everyday moments which are now the most important things for me. You feel the arrival of summer, the good weather, going out with friends, the beach, swimming pool, groups, friends’ birthdays, those endless parties, terraces with laughter and sharing moments of happiness, growing up, simply growing up, creating more memories, even more, there were too few…

Because everything reminds me of you. Even when I add ingredients that you didn’t like in the salad, now there are no more different menus at home, yes, at home it was like that. There is no more mess of socks when sorting out the laundry, no more cereal on the shopping list and so many things thought just for you. This is a constant in my day-to-day life. I even miss your silly WhatsApps, for arguments or with silly photos during your break. When I see a film that you would like, I want to shout: «Oscar! Fast & Furious whatever, are you coming? I miss your keyboard at the computer, your messy room, bless you! What I would give to keep on bickering, laughing, scolding, tickling, clowning around….

The silly videos in the pandemic, cooking together… these moments are now priceless.

How is it possible to give so much value now to the simple things of everyday life? Changing clothes to the summer wardrobe becomes painful because yours don’t change. Saying goodnight to you in front of your portrait, keeping a candle lit. And those good mornings, asking you, «Oscar, give me strength, come on, one more day». Leaving you there, while we rearrange the flowers on your grave and make sure everything is all right, rereading a thousand times your name engraved on a cold marble headstone and your 18 years… looking at that photo with a sideways smile we ask your permission to go and leave you there. And we leave, we leave again, alone with our hearts gripped in a fist, holding back the urge to scream, to cry, to rage…

«Never regret what you have done, but what you have left undone».