.

On the eve of what would have been your 20th birthday, I feel sorry when I think about how you would have celebrated it, a hangover tomorrow for sure. We probably would have had a family meal together, as you always wanted and as I always tried, to unite the family in important moments. See, now, we are more united than ever because of the love we feel for you.

I’m angry with life. I feel a sadness that I can’t explain because the wheel of life keeps nudging you so that you don’t get off the journey that you have left to live. A roulette wheel that sooner or later we will all have to get off. We regret and feel the pain of those who leave this world, our little world, without warning. It shakes our foundations and reminds us that ‘Living is urgent’; but how difficult it is, how little desire there is, despondency and a noisy loneliness that accompanies us.

And the ‘How are you?’ remains unanswered, a grimace, a ‘well’ to close the question.

Not a day goes by without feeling, no night without tears. Sometimes the lack of breath stops the desire to go on, and to go on with what, you wonder. There is no way to explain without hurting, no look that doesn’t blur.

October 13th. They say that coincidences do not exist and I believe this. There are many signs that show me that you are there, not as I would sometimes like, in dreams, … rather how you choose and who you choose.

It was also today, years ago, that my first cousin Chema was born. He also lost his life too soon in a traumatic way, at an age when it was time to enjoy and experiment with life. I always compared you with him, from your curls to your roguish and cheeky way of winning us all over. Now you are together in the same resting place and in another dimension.

Ego makes me clench my fists, wipe my tears and be angry, irascible and furious with what we have been given… but… that’s life. You have made so many of us learn what is worthwhile and devalue meaningless, pointless things.

As I once said, you were the most beautiful and cruel way to make me see that not everything in this life is possible.

One year more of not blowing out candles, of experiences that you will not live and a united thought from all of us who had the honour of knowing you to remember you.

Many people have known you through my eyes and my handwriting. I ask everyone for a time of reflection, silence and respite. Valuing what is really important in this life should be a constant in our daily lives… and we forget it amidst arguments, reproaches and absurd value judgements.

Oscar, my life, you are here with your family another year to watch one of your favourite films with popcorn and light a candle with the Ó7 logo. I don’t know of a better tribute for you my boy. I love you madly and I never realised how much I loved you until I lost you from this world.

Learning to have you and love you without seeing you is hard, but you know son… there is no loneliness in our lives. We are so accompanied that the pain diminishes, the wound is healing because together, those of us who love you are still here united.

Today I will think of those who left us just because their time had come, because they lived life to the fullest and enjoyed the good things that this life can offer us.

You were the most beautiful dream that I could have had in this life.

#hastaquenosvolvamosaencontrar (until we meet again).