It’s been just one year since this journey, this therapy, this help, started. I started a blog to talk about Oscar and his life, and the end between us, as devastating as it was incomprehensible. Also, how happy he was and how happy it was to be with him for those of us who had the honour of knowing him.

A year later, there are people who, for the moment, only consider themselves «investigated» in the case of that boy from Sant Just who went to Clínica Teknon for surgery without being admitted and who never returned home. Today I can write this sentence without shedding a tear – because the strength, the energy that my son transmits to me, the hardness and anguish of this time spent makes us more forceful than ever and because this just cannot be left alone… this has not been a minor accident or a misprint.

For the investigated I ask the most sacred thing that exists in the universe – all the souls who have suffered something similar to become defendants in a criminal trial, to feel the fear inside them, the dread, the doubt, the horror of what will happen, to feel the cold of the dock and the inquisitive eyes of a prosecutor and a judge looking into their eyes, and to be able to say as they said to me and to his father : «we don’t know what happened», «it was only a few minutes», that their professional record will be stained for life for their responsibility in the death of my son and that for all that justice, honour, responsibility and professional ethics deserve, they will be judged and bear a sentence that they undoubtedly deserve and the weight of the law will fall on them without forgetting any of them, not one.

It may not be possible to judge the moral and psychological damage that these people have caused us, or yes? A radical change in people’s lives, what they call «collateral damage». Without batting an eyelid, they went back to work the day after, all of them, anaesthetists, nurses and surgeons of Artroesport, all of them, «people» with the capacity to turn the page and move on, without faltering, without evaluating or listening to their conscience, without assuming mistakes and justifying having been a simple fatality as we were led to believe.

And meanwhile, the months go by and you see the change of seasons, you see the reality of what we are, I appreciate details that were insignificant before.

A kind gesture, a caress, a smile, sometimes they were unimportant, now they are everything. I discover that if I scratch a little in people’s hearts, sensitivity comes to the surface, you just have to listen and look with your eyes. We exist in a tiny moment, insignificant in a world, a galaxy that will endure after our disappearance. How small we are and at the same time, how important our world becomes; because that is it, our world is so vital and important to us, our personal relationships and our family are the most important things in our short life in this world.

I would never have thought of reading what now fills my days, discovering a sensitive world in each of us, the soul, the interior of beautiful people. How much Oscar has done with this heartbreaking loss in me.

I changed the words «Because of what happened» to a simple «Thanks to Oscar», we enjoyed moments together that we would never have imagined, we gathered around a table with another feeling, with affection, laughter with sad eyes, because we are together, although in another way. Meeting new and important people makes my life more friendly and welcoming.

There is no way to live in this world without feeling the great love I have for you my darling, for your sister and for this family we have created. Thank you son for bringing me closer to your sister, for making me love better, for making me reset from time to time and truly value what matters in life; that this is the life I have now, I have not chosen it, I am learning to understand it. You are present in everything I do, I no longer look at the sky so much because I see you reflected in my actions, in my experiences. You are always by my side and even in other people’s eyes.

Sad, I feel sad. It’s a feeling that envelops me in loneliness, surrounded by people. Something that is difficult to explain better. I never lack the desire to talk about you, about anecdotes, about funny moments…

I recognise that after a year without you, life goes on for others. Mine goes on at a different parallel pace. It makes me more aware of that absence, of that spark when I felt I had everything, and now I have you in a different way. I know that you are here, that your energy has not disappeared, it has been transformed and it is only a question of time. #hastaquenosvolvamosaencontrar (#untilwefindeachotheragain)

I listen to scientists who affirm that life does not end at death, that there is life beyond, that energy transform. Maybe it seems crazy to some, for me it means serenity and hope, and it helps me. Although sometimes I recognise my selfishness and I want you here by my side above all else.

When our ego leaves us and we learn that life can be lived in harmony, without fear of losing and with hope, then we will see a world full of possibilities. That the love I feel for my loved ones can do anything, that my love for you, Oscar, is deep and full of gratitude.

Transforming the pain of your absence for the love I feel for you is not easy, but little by little, I raise my head and look up another day.

I understand and respect anyone who does not want to read or follow me because what I say is painful, possibly cruel to the soul at times. But it is as real as it is true, as true as it is that we will all have to go through a more or less long mourning period which will always be painful because a little piece of us is torn away.

Luckily, that little piece of me that was broken with Oscar’s absence has been joined with many little pieces of you all, the vase has gathered all those little pieces and we have built a reality again with Oscar by our side. Although we don’t see him I do feel he is by our side, in another way but creating memories as beautiful as the ones we had with him, around a table, on a football field, on a beach or even online, but always by our side, because that’s how we choose to continue our life, with him by our side.

They say that you never lose those who you remember. That’s how we want to have Oscar, by our side. And this is what I do, I talk to him in whispers, asking him what he would think of this or what he would do with that. Sharing my feelings with my loved ones, my friends, with you all.