And not always in that order, and sometimes they repeat and you start all over again. It is a theory about the phases of grief that has helped me and continues to help me understand where my grief is going.

One year ago was the greatest loss, the trauma of a life time. The greatest pain I could bear.

Sometimes it seems like yesterday because inside me I feel that absence that I re-live so much. I go over the lines of his face, I follow the shape of his eyes and that smile… and I say to myself, will I never see you again, will you no longer fulfil that dream, how can I share that foolishness with you?

Interpreting the meaning of what I feel captured in a book, listening to a podcast about grief, the deepest of feelings, trying to understand what is happening to me.

Giving myself permission to feel and time to heal.

Nothing is enough, because my head needs to delve into everything that surrounds me, in this life that continues but my rhythm is different. Because there is a big difference between someone who has lost a loved one and someone who has not lived that experience. They say it is a type of naivety; those who say that everything has a solution except death and… how right they are. It is not just a matter of relativizing, your grief is yours, at coffee time, at a meeting, at dinner, with friends and a simple walk, it is always there.

And your conscience rises above human simplicity. That conscience that keeps you on another level of sensitivity, sometimes of irritability because why not….

It is worth it, to fight to understand and not to hide, to go through seas of tears to feel, not to cover up the pain, to feel it makes you face life, that life that both gives to you and takes away from you.

I wish these readings were not sad, although I know that this is the case many times. I would like my writings to be a learning experience, a help for those of you who have accompanied me for a whole year. You have felt pain, rage, injustice and above all love, all the love that can be felt for a loved one with soul.

I wish it were not a sad reading for your inner self, but rather one that makes you see the gift of life. We are not immortal even if we live giving our backs to death. We will not be forever in this world, because another wonderful world full of energy awaits us. Realise this and choose to live intensely.

A year later, it seems that everything should be more bearable because I have already lived everything once, going through the dates once; but any insignificant detail overwhelms me in a way that is as natural as sentimental or spontaneous, and love and pain emerge at the same time. Details that take me to moments lived with him, the dance of a mother with her small and not so small child, the sustained embrace of mother and child, the kiss of farewell or arrival. Details of everyday life, insignificant details that are worth the most precious thing.

Life is a thief of moments, but at the same time gives you the gift of keeping them in your memory forever. This is true, so nothing can take them away from me, nothing.

Please don’t become a dream, may your smile take me back to your childhood. Make me remember the beating of your heart when I met you.

Please don’t become a dream, may the years and memory not take away your essence and may my mind and my memory treasure your touch, your smell and the sound of your laughter.

Please don’t take away what I have left of you, let me remember you and share little moments with you, a song, a moment for you and me.

Please don’t ever leave my soul.