«The wounds are sewn with the thread of time and there is no thread that is not tied to a needle, how can it not hurt to mend the soul».
R.Morán

I want to honour my son’s death in the best way possible. I will try to be happy, try to integrate his noisy absence into my life and manage to smile knowing that he is looking at me, to feel in him the air that touches me and that every step, no matter how small, is a step forward. Giving meaning to my life is my greatest purpose, accompanied by my love and travelling companion and my daughter, that other treasure that our love gave us and with whom today we are more united than ever in accompanying her in her daily task of advancing, little by little but with firm steps towards her goals. To appreciate that I am useful in some way and that my life here is not yet over because it has a meaning. We are
increasingly convinced that Oscar had to leave because it was necessary for nother purpose, perhaps to give wings to those who did not have them, courage to the coward to make his decisions, a push to those who find it difficult to achieve their objective or something beyond our comprehension, or at least mine. Increasingly convinced because the failure, the error or the lack of order in that operating theatre number 7 was so flagrant that it is hard to understand how easy it would have been to change the course of that situation.

One of the forms of justice that touches us closely is the legal one, and this is finally starting to make a few people nervous. It was about time. An oath, a promise from a father of a family with his hands crossed over his son’s chest, one more hard moment to add to our lives. I swear that I will do everything I can to see that justice is done. And as I said in the first blog entry: «Because it could be you». Because Oscar will be with us forever, in our memory, in our heart and in every step we take, but others will go after him to that place called a hospital, Clínica Teknon, leader in Europe’s health. Of all that its website says, I will only rewrite these words: The mission of the Centro Médico Teknon is to offer the best medical and ethical treatment to the patients treated in our facilities, achieving excellence in healthcare service and humane treatment.

A few days ago, while I was waiting in the hospital for my father to return from a surgical intervention – another one to add to our list this last year – I was reading dozens of pages of a complaint. A complaint where you see the name of your child reflected in each line with an internal suffering that slows you down but with the courage that my child gives me, you continue to go on day by day. There will not be enough time in my life to thank my brother-in-law, our ally in this fight who accompanies us, cares for us and suffers by our side in a respectful and loving position. THANK YOU! As I told you, for me, your mission and objective in this life is to study law to defend your nephew giving us the security and confidence so necessary in this battle which has only just begun.

And the title of this entry is «My grief», because everyone carries their own pain and although we listen and understand, it is our own «backpack», the one we carry on our own shoulders. Because I have learned that this is what grief is, something that we are not taught until we are suddenly faced with this new reality and that sooner or later we will all experience and manage it in the best way possible.

There are those who wonder what to do or how to help me. There is no consolation or word that softens or closes this wound. If I knew that I wouldn’t need anyone to tell me how to live my life or give me advice from the other side from a parallel life that is not mine.

Suddenly I laugh for a moment at something and then I may cry for no apparent reason. Don’t judge me, don’t look at me with pity. I know that although I am surrounded by happiness there is a part of me that was broken that day. That I’m not the same as before and I never will be, something broke inside me. That sometimes it’s better not to say anything, especially when you don’t know what to say. I don’t have an angel in heaven, because what I’d like is to have one with me. I don’t have to be strong because I feel the weakest in the world, and time doesn’t cure everything either. Your examples are not my life, your comparisons do not reflect my pain. I want to talk about Oscar, always. My mouth is full of him and time stops when I think of all the beautiful things he was. He is still in me and in my life and talking about him is healthy for me. Grief does not expire or have an end date, everyone manages and lives it in their own way. The present hurts me without him, conversations about children where I can’t participate because mine is no longer here and won’t live all those experiences hurts me, and yes, that is my inner work, a hard exercise of uniting a present without him but with everyone else.

Because I just need you to be there, that’s enough for me.