And suddenly the knot becomes tense, tight, the food doesn’t go down but the tears do. One of those times you share pain, sorrow and deep desolation.

And you don’t know whether to cry with it or keep it together, she is your mother and you put up with it; you don’t know why you are suddenly overcome by an absolute sadness, a rage that you are learning to control but that doesn’t stop, an impotence, a feeling that today is just another day and at the same time it is 10 months since that painful goodbye. Never before have I felt more out of place than on that day, 5 April, which is now approaching.

Today my mother said to me what only a few hours before and between tears and hugs I said to my daughter: «I wish I could take away some of that pain you carry inside and keep it for myself».

Every time that moments come and shake me, that take away my fortitude and lead me to the abyss, the discomfort of still being here becomes unbearable.

I find it hard to look at him, those laughing little eyes in a portrait watching me with a perennial light. My Oscar, my heaven and my light.

I damn life, bad luck, destiny and all the coincidences that made your life end when you were only 18 years old. How much you lived and how much you had yet to live. And not only because of your young age, but because you were part of a whole that is now lame, lost, aimless… waiting to abandon the drift guided by a light, your light.

On your tombstone it says: «In our sky you are the most beautiful star, guide our way with your light».

I still don’t know what my goal in life is, I only wish that your absence, that loss that has collapsed us will make me find the way forward, I can only trust in you sweetheart. I want to keep my faith, faith in you and in what is still growing inside me thanks to you.

What I would give for a hug from you, part of my whole life.