Parallel reality. You see the world from both a privileged and at the same time forced position. While you reset yourself every day you see the lives of others passing by and it hurts. Yours has somehow come to a standstill and no matter how much you want to, you can’t get into a rhythm, until you realise that your life and your path is different. A path that some follow and others don’t, a path that leads you to meet both wonderful people and to hear devastating stories. Grief is not something for just a few, what happens is that few of us talk about it and about what suffocates us. Everyone chooses their own path, with more or less curves, with or without rhythm, as diverse as grief is.

I’ve understood the difference between curling up under the duvet and dressing up in a disguise the world needs to see. I have learned that everything is a matter of choice, pajamas all day or getting dressed, crying, getting ready, crying, going outside, crying and then wiping away the tears to say good morning to a new day. A new opportunity to choose, look for the sun, close my eyes and feel accompanied by you, … «come, help me on this new day.»

And how good it is to cry. For me it is to heal, to reset, to cleanse the mind of pain, because tears are the double check that confirms that there was love. That pain, that through tears that furrow a new path, will turn into love and the cycle will restart and I will remember it with a smile. That’s what I want.

I have learned to breathe, to feel and talk, to share my inner self, to listen, to understand. No one was ready for a goodbye, a summer without you, a plan without you, and destiny brought us to this situation, to the «Blog that should never have existed». And yet, I am trying to understand what your absence teaches us. It has not been in vain. You have taught us to love and to say it, to feel and to express it, to take advantage of opportunities, to get on that train or not – a matter of choice, be it today or tomorrow…we’ll see. To be grateful and to continue with a plan, a goal and daily work.

Because life has taught me, life continues to show me how weak or strong we can be. We are all vulnerable but it can be a matter of choice. Routines may help you or destroy you, but you choose. Taking the wrong path is not a loss but a lesson, there is always time, the time that life offers us to make amends, to improve, to learn, to redirect and to explore new paths.

I recently learned of a loss, someone who was part of my life. The law of life arrives from time to time and we are never prepared and I silently regret the passing of time, because unfortunately the absence of my son has made me tougher, colder or more congruent with this life that has touched me. The comparison for me is inevitable. As I often say, to be at «my level» is complicated, and fortunately it is for many.

Those of us who are grieving now, and there are many of us, understand the power that life has of giving and taking. It does not ask for permission. Because it neither takes from you nor punishes you, and even to understand that takes many hours of insomnia, of reading, understanding and comprehending that we are not the centre of the universe, that being the protagonist of this film was because we were part of the roulette wheel of life and it was our turn.

Today I heard a bereavement therapist say that without putting an expiry date on this pain, this «ordeal» can last between 3 and 5 years, which is not oblivion or its absence, but this evil that takes away the will to live, takes away your plans; and I thought… where will I be in 5 more years? I don’t expect anything, I live day by day, with plans and dreams in a cloud.

And I keep walking under the moon looking for a sign to accompany me. I can’t change anything. I wish I could make you come back, I wish we could laugh again together, I wish I could feel again that pack feeling, my pack united and strong. My steps lead me aimlessly. I listen to music and the tears calm me down and reset my pain. Healing to live. And today was just another day, always with you. You never left, you shared yourself among all the hearts that had the honour of knowing you and now you are part of them, of us, of me forever.

So close and yet so far. I’m not fooling myself, no, accepting doesn’t mean it hurts less, it hurts like the first day, we didn’t have more time together and I regret that every day, that’s why I ask you, my son, to accompany me, step by step, day by day.

Thank you son for having allowed me to be your mother, for continuing to teach me, for always being by my side, for helping me to understand, to learn and to carry on. I hope I find my place in the world because yours is very big, your mark on so many hearts invites me to choose every day.