I wish I could go back to January 2023, where the most repeated resolutions at the beginning of the year were mine; now I force myself to at least try to wake up every morning with a «this is what we have to live with, forever». So it’s up to me to choose how to face each day.

I would like a January of kisses and hugs, the kind you feel, squeeze and give. I would like to remember the last hug I gave you, the last back massage or the last tickle.

How could we not remember this magical night year after year The first one to get up was him, his little body appeared with his grandfather dressing gown, striped and knotted. His usual phrase was «Ala! Just what I wanted», his little face and ours would light up. And together with his tata they would look for and open presents. There was always a hidden one that was the most special and most hoped for… I am still unable to watch those videos of every 6th of January, dishevelled and sleepy, with faces of illusion and swollen eyes.

Even at the age of 18, he was always waiting to see if there was a present under the tree, he never missed a surprise.

And today our walk was not to collect sweets or coal, today we sat next to him, on the bench in front of the place where he rests.

And when I go to sleep and blow out the candle next to his photo, I think as I go over the lines on his face and remember the feel of his skin, I find it hard to believe that he is no longer here, and how I miss his everything.

After these days I feel that I can breathe normally. Not without difficulty, I have overcome a very hard stage full of pain and nostalgia. I reread the whatsapps shared until the 28th of March… it is difficult not to be anchored in the past, a complete and perfect past.

I wish this magical night would make my wish come true; that it had all been a dream.

“ Mum…

… can we get up now?”