It’s a coincidence that Christmas Day is the same day as my entry, the 25th. What I thought would be a way of venting my pain and letting people know who Oscar was and who he is for us, has become a whirlwind that has pushed me steadily with more than 47 thousand visits to the blog from all over the world. The desire mixed with the need to express my inner self in these writings have made me find a way to cope and integrate into my day to day this new way of life, this path that is being carved day by day.

There are not enough words to digest these days, with feelings in a constant struggle of anguish, rage and sorrow, and I will miss those uncontrollable tears with every festive light, decorated tree, or that «Merry Christmas» that seems ridiculous, that is superfluous and it’s understood that «it’s the right thing to do». I had to hide presents, wrap them with love and get excited about their faces when they saw something new. I didn’t ask for much, we are a simple family like thousands of others with no other pretence than to cultivate that which so many sleepless nights and sighs in the air have marked us since we became parents; the longing for children, prosperity and growth at their side.

And I remember his new watch and coat from last Christmas. There they are, he wore them at the end of the year, so beautiful and elegant, my boy, my light. Today I’m not preparing anything for him but I carry him in my heart for the rest of my life, that’s his gift to me and mine to him.

I feel angry with life, the life that gives us so much and offers us so many illusions, goals and purposes has robbed me, it has taken away my will to live. The more illusion I see in the street the more dejected I feel. And the Christmas that I loved so much, those days of a warm house, afternoons spent on the sofa with a blanket, of surprises and unexpected family visits have become so difficult… A life that is telling us «NOW» and it tells us in many ways that time passes quickly, that we are not eternal and that although we cannot change the past or guess the future, we have the opportunity of the «here and now».

It doesn’t matter if it’s April, October or December, the feeling of emptiness is timeless. The image of my fragile and helpless child attacks me deep inside, that pain that sticks to your skin and goes deep inside and you know… it will never leave you alone again.

Oscar, only you and your tata Sandra know what my heart sounds like inside. Only you harbour a DNA, an unbreakable link that crosses any world, life or universe. You are the firmest and strongest link that houses my inner self and gives me the strength to go one step further.

Sandra, they say that those of us who were strong in 2023 will be happy in 2024. That will be complicated, although with the affection of all those who give us their warmth, of which there are many, and with the strength to stay united, we will welcome Oscar’s absence into our lives. Dad and I know that he has brought us a large family, people who offer you their unconditional support, who are always there, who come with an umbrella when it is stormy, who deserve to enjoy the family these days and who we know have a broken heart. For many it will not be the same, nor will the decoration or the laughter be as extensive in many homes. Shared grief is better to bear.

We are closer than ever these days, we will be united and we will have that special place for him and although I find it hard to count 3 when asked how many we are, we will be 4, always 4. And we will be united, and each family that has accompanied us during this nightmare deserves to be happy and at the same time, wait a few seconds sitting at the table, look around, and appreciate how fortunate they are.

And yes, Christmas is here. Another special day that is bitter to digest without him. However, it will pass like any other day, and the team «all together» will be rowing in the same direction because this storm will lead us to a calm that we do not yet see. And that will be my wish when I see the full table with an empty chair, that life gives us truce, that we see our princess on a path that allows us to see a light, an illusion in life. When she glimpses a special light, we know that you are guiding her. That will be my Christmas from now on.

I invite you to feel for a moment that shooting star that travels like a breeze and brushes our skin and tells us «here and now».

"Let's toast to ourselves and to those above".