October closes its doors, a month that I always liked for many beautiful moments, in particular one that sweetened my life even more if possible. For 18 years we celebrated his birthday with eagerness because he was one of the youngest of the group, if not the youngest. October brings unforgettable moments and precious memories. His birthday, those 19 years that we have celebrated from a distance because he is still with us, I feel it and I sense it; every time, every night that I say goodnight to you, I look at your face, your eyes, your gaze and that half smile and it still seems impossible that you don’t appear at the door. A tribute with a light that illuminates homes, covering them with an essence that envelops them and reminds us of how much we have around us to love, to be grateful for, and to celebrate.

October, thanks to unique moments, has brought me out of the lethargy that we have been experiencing for the last 7 months. I have realised that laughing and crying go hand in hand for me because they are emotions that come to the surface when they need to. We go from a smile, to a hug and from there to tears and we finish with an “I love you”.

And although health continues to be the family’s goal, it is as if we were bailing water from a ship that refuses to lose the battle and sink. We continue to struggle to normalise a life that will never be the same, to reach a routine, which was never routine, but a new life, without him but always with him.

And today we hug each other again in a sea of tears, in a heartfelt embrace of two broken souls, struggling to stay afloat. Struggling not for a lack of the lifejackets that are throw to us, we are full of them, it’s just what we have to live with.

Music has always accompanied me at all times, now more than ever. The lyrics of countless songs take me to you Oscar, they all have a «click» that take me to your memory. There is not a moment that a tear doesn’t fall, it must be the practice of crying every day, letting the feelings flow. I have realised how relaxing and satisfying it is to let the pain out, with tears in the eyes and in the heart because that loneliness felt without your aura, knowing that we don’t have you with us, hurts. Remembering images of a previous life, however funny they may have been, stirs my inner self and causes indescribable pain because they say to me: «how happy I was and I didn’t realise it».

We continue to expand your playlist on Spotify:

7 without you, without your number 7 but always on our skin, marked forever and proud to wear it everywhere.

Today while we were visiting you, sitting and grieving, we saw how beautiful your resting place was, and at the same time we said, we shouldn’t be here. Yet we keep it full of memories and details that identify you, a space that allows us to mourn without questions.

And yes, my darling, we know that you are in another place, that you are waiting for us there. I know that you must be fine and well accompanied. You were all light, kindness, friendship, a good person and good people are cared for. Because here we say that it wasn’t your time, it wasn’t your turn to go. We console ourselves with the thought that there is something else, there must be, bigger than this world, more beautiful and serene, where you can open your wings and transform yourself into light, an immense light that I see in the moon every night as I walk Max, in that star that we see shining brighter than any other, in those signs that tell us that “I am still here, mama, together with all of you”.

October has shown me once again how much human beings are capable of offering love and affection, without anything in return.

Generosity is a gift that makes you great every day, you all know already who you are

Oscar sends us messengers every day, beings of light that accompany our path. He knows well who you are, that we still have a lot to battle together, with each other. Hopefully it will take a long time, but one day I may be the one to offer my shoulder to wipe away the tears of a loss.

I will continue to listen to the lyrics of the songs that take me to you. I will continue to feel all the emotions I must in order to get through the pain of losing you, so that one day I can talk about you with the same pride as always and the honour of having been your mother, but without tears and that lump in my throat; to be able to smile and recall anecdotes is what I have left. That day will come and I am sure you will help me.

#hastaquenosvolvamosaencontrar