And suddenly I want to tell you something I heard in the car. I saw that programme you liked or simply a meme that only you would understand and it stays there… in draft… because I don’t have you and I don’t know how to get it to you. And suddenly I say to myself…(…) I don’t have you here, not anymore! Never again?????!!!! But… why does my head, my thoughts, go back to the beginning of the end, to those painful days, to that rage, despair and anguish?! There’s no way forward, because I don’t want to go on without you. I miss you, like breathing after diving, when you dive and you’re short of air…you just want to come up to the surface and catch your breath…that’s you for me, the air that I breathe.

It doesn’t matter that it’s spring, now summer, I keep realizing that this pain, uff this pain doesn’t seem to pass, it seems to stay forever. Sometimes I feel that your absence is normalized and after a while the emptiness and the lack of your being in our lives becomes unbearable.

Because I keep writing with tears in my eyes and in my soul, I keep feeling a knot in my heart. I speak of pain because I can’t find another word that describes my feelings better.

When I wake up and see your picture, I kiss you and say «good morning tesorete.» When I go shopping there is always something that reminds me of you and I don’t buy it anymore, when I am at the beach…. I realise that I need to be doing things to not be absent, busy with something so that my mind can rest. We look for moments of rest, but even under the sunglasses covering our pain, the heart still feels clenched in a fist while I see how life goes on for others. It’s like a bad movie, where the main characters can’t wake up and see that everything flows but them… IRREVERSIBLE… that would be the name of the movie.

Today, August 15th, we always went to the beach with friends with some sandwiches to watch the fireworks. I remember many years ago when you were very small that after the first firecracker you got scared and I took you home, clinging to me, and you didn’t let go even when we got to the flat. You stayed clinging to my neck without letting go and we waited for all the noise to end. Today we stayed at home taking care of Max who has the same fear you had. We wouldn’t have been able to remember that a year ago, your image with Dani and your friends, and ours and the grandparents enjoying the night. Even so,
hearing from afar the blended roar of the music that reminds you of Paul Walker, your idol…it has been hard.

Another moment past, avoided. I will always avoid that which hurts me/us, your memory is constant, our faces show it.

I’ve understood that the only thing that can change me forever is sadness. It and only it has
changed my being forever. It took away the light, the energy and the spark of life.