Although today is one more day without you, waking up knowing that a part of you is missing, just a Thursday, I can’t help but think that 3 months ago today I saw you leave on a stretcher and I never saw your little eyes again. They took away what was vital in our lives.

Because I miss everything about you
But I miss that part of me too

And they ask me how are you? better? … better because 3 months ago and not one? Or because it wasn’t yesterday when I had to disconnect you from a respirator? Because it isn’t yesterday that I saw you leave forever? Or because «you have to go on»?! I really wonder sometimes if one day this pain that is so mine, so deep, will be softened, and no, I’m not better.

Because I am angry with life, I feel rage, rage of reason, bitterness, outrage, anger and my blood boils because what they took from me has left me an emptiness in my body and soul and it hurts a lot. There is an anger inside me, I don’t care about nonsense and I can’t stand what isn’t up to par. I let go of what is not important to me and I submerge myself in everything new that helps me. THANK YOU.

And I was one of those who said: Yes… life is unfair, but so much? Incomprehensible and so painful that when I think that this is for life, my heart shrinks. I see him everywhere. When I come across a little boy with his father chatting, when I see a boy with his partner, everywhere. I look to the sky for a sign but it’s making me wait.

And I talk to you Oscar and I tell you how I am and how I have come to miss you, I always say good morning, hoping that today will be a «mild» day with fewer storms.

THANK YOU, to my rock, to that shoulder that I always have to cry on, to that person who has become indispensable to continue breathing, to the sustenance of my life, who feeds me and comforts me, that without you I wouldn’t know how to cope with this irreparable damage, that together we can move forward and that just by looking into each other’s eyes we know how the day has gone. Thank you, Jorge, my life, for these 30 years of unbreakable
union. Even in the worst moments the balance has always turned towards the positive.
Thank you for letting me be by your side. I will always be close to you too. I will sign now to be with you 30 more years to continue adding laughter and tears, hugs and confidences. I want you in my life, you have given me the best of my life, my children whom we have loved with all our souls and even making mistakes we have tried to get the best out of them, and I think we have achieved it, at least that part we have done well. They are good people, with
good hearts.

And now I have to have a little luck, right? Now on the way to the hospital, I have to hope that my mother’s emergency surgery goes well, I mean, they could have given us a little truce and that today, 3 months without my child, I shouldn’t have to be in a waiting room once again, wishing that whoever has my mother at their mercy does well, as they should, as if it were their mother.

.

Crying with my mother when they tell us that her hip is broken and that surgery is necessary to remove the suffering. Please, no more operating rooms, until I see her leave the operating room, my feeling is that no, I don’t want to come here again. Hearing my mother tell me between tears -«my child is waiting for me» and I am not able to articulate a word of consolation other than to squeeze her hand. It can’t be, it’s enough, let life leave us alone, we need air to breathe, to fill our lungs with air and breathe out calmly, let us have some peace.
And the only one who calms me down and I know he’s there is Oscar, because Oscar has been the emergency medical technician who treated my mother so sweetly at all times. I don’t know how but my mother knew his name. Because with an average age in the emergency room of 70 years, we had a boy like Oscar by our side, with a dislocated shoulder and he left happy after only being there for a few hours, yes… such luck. So, I do believe that in some way Oscar tells me, Mama, I’m here and I’m going to take care of yaya.

Today they asked me, «How’s things, how’s life going?»
And I thought, «What life?»