Solitude is difficult to explain, because imagining it is just an illusion. Understanding that this absence, this emptiness cannot be filled by anything, by nothing new; I will probably fill other voids, but not that one, the hole left by the shot to my heart cannot be filled.

I know that my interior is changing. It is not exactly becoming more serene, adapted or «normalised» but the absence, the feeling of abandonment, is becoming heavier.

Have you ever felt loneliness deep in your skin, in your eyes and in your heart when surrounded by people? People who love you, who want to accompany you, to see you move forward, to encourage you… they are the safety cushion. However, that feeling of loneliness when surrounded by people is the worst feeling.
Blessed sunglasses that hide the internal storm that sometimes floods my face with tears. A child with his father walking, a group of kids on bikes toasted by the sun after a day at the beach, the chatter of others in the park with no other purpose than to build castles and dreams for the summer…

Every day you shadow the footsteps of those who follow life, make it grow with new memories, images of a parallel virtual life where I would also create moments and memories with you. And that’s when I realize that yes, now I could make an album of your life, 18 years and 5 months, with a beginning and an awful end, where we weren’t able to say goodbye, where I couldn’t call you «my treasure» again. They didn’t give us a choice, they stole our lives, the moments that would fill a bigger album, full of experiences and nonsense, from a dream trip to a «cool» dessert; like the ones I liked to invent for tata and for you, with chocolate shavings and coloured stars. Simple things, our things. That was also stolen from us.

I assert that they do not understand the power they have in their hands over so many people, and I am not only talking about those they have on the stretcher. The great capacity to tumble heaven and earth, the soul and the feelings of so many people every time a person puts himself in their hands and is completely defenceless; No, they definitely don’t understand that power, otherwise this blog would never have existed.

To you, to all of you, who had 100% of my son’s life in your hands, to what extent are you aware of what came into your hands? Do you know how many people you stole a part of their life from?

Do you sleep well? I don’t; Do you have projects, objectives… a simple vacation? I don’t; Do you feel how your insides are churning due to the absence of a loved one who was simply taken away? I do, every day, every hour…

If you knew, if you were able to comprehend the burden, the responsibility of your position, you would be the people who get up every morning with the strength, courage and energy necessary to be focused on your work as if your life depended on it.
You will never feel half the pain that I will feel all my life, the pressure in my chest, the constant desire to cry because the tears are a reflection of how much it hurts me, and it hurts as much as I could love, love my son. A desired, loved child who made life very easy and joyful for all of us.
Every time I get away from reality by watching a movie or going for a walk, even for a short time, when I return, the shock, that shock of reality is so painful that I don’t know if it’s better to disconnect from time to time or always stay there, where his eyes, his image continues to remind me of the future that awaits me without him.

«I could never have imagined that your absence

would take up so much space in my life, in my soul»